After working with well over 20,000 dogs and their families, I’ve learned that I’m not just training dogs. I’m working with people. And in many ways, the people can be more complicated than the dogs.

One of the biggest things dogs have taught me is that communication is everything.

A lot of problems between people and their dogs aren’t because the owner doesn’t love the dog. Usually, they love the dog very much. The problem is that they don’t know how to communicate in a way the dog understands.

And honestly, people aren’t that different.

We all want to be understood.

People Often Expect Too Much Too Soon

I’ve learned that patience is a big part of both dog training and life.

People will sometimes bring me a dog that has had the same behavior for years and expect it to change in a few days. But dogs are creatures of habit. If they’ve been practicing something for months or years, you can’t always just flip a switch and expect everything to change overnight.

But I’ve also learned that people sometimes expect a dog to mature faster than it actually can.

I had a recent example with a five-month-old Doberman who came to me from a husband and wife who also had three other dogs, all over five years old. Their oldest dog was twelve.

The young Doberman was doing well with his training, and I gave the owners specific recommendations about how to continue building on what we’d accomplished. My advice was to give him structure, limit his freedom, and gradually increase what he was allowed to do as he demonstrated that he could handle it.

The problem was that they started giving him too much freedom too soon.

He was still a five-month-old puppy, but they were beginning to treat him like one of their older, established dogs.

That’s an easy mistake to make when you already have mature dogs in the house. You look at the older dogs and think, “They have this much freedom and everything is fine, so why can’t he?”

But the five-month-old hadn’t earned that freedom yet.

He didn’t have the same maturity, impulse control, experience, or established habits as the older dogs.

The Other Problem Was Consistency

There was another issue that I see quite often with families.

The husband and wife weren’t completely on the same page.

The husband was working hard to reinforce what we had taught and was trying to follow the recommendations. His wife was much more relaxed with the puppy and was giving him more freedom and allowing things that we had discussed limiting.

Neither one of them was doing anything because they didn’t love the dog. Quite the opposite. They both loved him.

But they had different ideas about what the puppy needed.

That created disagreements between them while also undermining the training.

From the dog’s perspective, that’s confusing.

If one person says, “Don’t do that,” but another person allows it, the dog isn’t necessarily being disobedient. The dog is learning that the rules aren’t consistent.

And dogs are extremely good at figuring out what they can get away with.

Mixed Messages Create Bad Habits

This is where patience and consistency become so important.

If you allow a puppy to jump on people one day but correct it the next, the puppy doesn’t understand why the behavior is suddenly wrong.

If you allow him to have unlimited freedom in the house before he’s ready, he may practice behaviors you don’t want—getting into things, jumping on furniture, ignoring commands, chasing the other dogs, becoming overly stimulated, or simply learning that he doesn’t have to listen unless someone really means it.

Those behaviors become habits through repetition.

And once a habit is established, it takes more work to change it.

With a young Doberman in particular, I want to be thinking about the dog I’m trying to create six months, a year, and several years from now—not just the puppy sitting in front of me today.

Freedom Should Be Earned

One of the things I tell owners is:

Freedom should be earned, not simply given because we love the dog.

That doesn’t mean a puppy should live in a crate all day or never have fun.

Puppies need to explore, play, socialize, exercise, and enjoy being puppies.

But they also need structure.

They need to learn that there are expectations.

They need to learn how to settle.

They need to learn how to respond when distracted.

And they need to understand that the rules are the same regardless of which family member is holding the leash.

As the dog demonstrates that he can handle more responsibility, you give him more freedom.

That’s a much better way to build a reliable adult dog than giving him all the freedom first and trying to take it away after problems develop.

The Family Has to Be on the Same Team

This experience reinforced something I’ve learned over and over again:

I’m not just training the dog. I’m training the family to understand the dog.

If the husband is working one way and the wife is working another way, the dog is going to get mixed messages.

And eventually that can create frustration between the owners, frustration toward the dog, and confusion for everyone involved.

It can also create a situation where one family member thinks the training isn’t working because the dog isn’t responding consistently, when in reality the dog is responding to two completely different sets of expectations.

That’s why I tell my clients that everyone who lives with the dog needs to understand the basic rules and be willing to reinforce them.

You don’t have to be a professional dog trainer.

But you do have to be consistent.

It’s a Lesson That Applies Beyond Dogs

That’s one of the reasons experiences like this have taught me so much about people.

We want our dogs to grow up quickly.

We want to give them freedom.

We want to spoil them.

And sometimes we get impatient because we’re thinking about the dog we want rather than the dog we have right now.

But development takes time.

A five-month-old dog is a five-month-old dog.

You can’t expect the maturity of a twelve-year-old dog simply because you want him to have the same freedom.

The same principle applies to training in general:

Build the foundation first. Build the habits. Build the communication. Then gradually increase the freedom.

That’s how you give a young dog the best chance of becoming the reliable adult dog everyone hopes he’ll be.

People Have to Be Willing to Listen

I’ve also learned that one of the hardest parts of training isn’t getting the dog to understand.

It’s getting the owner to understand what they need to do differently.

Sometimes people come to me wanting to hear that they’re doing everything right.

But if what they’re doing isn’t working, I have to be honest with them.

That’s part of my job.

I tell clients:

You paid me to tell you what you need to hear—not necessarily what you want to hear.

If you want to change the dog’s behavior, sometimes the owner has to change something too.

That isn’t criticism.

It’s part of the process.

Every Dog—and Every Person—is Different

Working with thousands of dogs has reinforced something I learned very early in my career:

There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

The same thing is true with people.

One owner learns by watching.

Another needs me to explain it.

Another needs to physically do it with their dog while I’m coaching them.

Some people pick things up immediately.

Others need more repetition.

I’ve learned to adjust my communication just like I adjust my training.

If I’m not getting through to someone, I can’t simply keep saying the same thing louder.

I need to find a different way to explain it.

Patience Is a Skill

Dogs have taught me a lot about patience.

Sometimes you meet a dog that doesn’t trust you.

Sometimes the dog is fearful.

Sometimes it’s stubborn.

Sometimes it has developed habits that are deeply ingrained.

And sometimes you have to slow everything down.

You can’t rush trust.

You can’t rush confidence.

You can’t rush learning.

Time can be your friend.

I’ve learned that if you’re willing to be patient and keep trying different approaches, you can often get through to a dog that initially seems impossible.

People aren’t much different.

Relationships take time.

Trust takes time.

And sometimes you have to give people the opportunity to figure things out.

People Often Love Their Dogs So Much That They Get in Their Own Way

This is probably one of the biggest things I’ve seen.

People love their dogs so much that they sometimes have trouble being objective about them.

They make excuses.

They overlook behaviors.

They give the dog too much freedom too soon.

They talk to the dog constantly.

They smother the dog with attention.

They don’t establish boundaries because they don’t want the dog to be unhappy.

But love and leadership aren’t opposites.

You can love your dog and still have rules.

In fact, I think dogs often become happier when they understand what is expected of them.

Dogs Have Taught Me That Actions Matter More Than Words

Dogs don’t care about our explanations.

You can talk to a dog for five minutes about why it shouldn’t jump on the counter, but that doesn’t mean the dog understands the speech.

Dogs learn through what we do, what we reinforce, and what we consistently allow.

People are similar.

We can tell someone what we want all day long, but our actions usually communicate much more than our words.

That’s one of the reasons I believe so strongly in consistency.

You can’t say one thing today and allow the opposite tomorrow and expect the dog to understand.

I’ve Learned Not to Judge Too Quickly

Another thing thousands of dogs have taught me is that you shouldn’t judge too quickly.

A dog that looks aggressive may actually be scared.

A dog that looks stubborn may simply be confused.

A dog that seems impossible may never have been properly trained.

And sometimes the owner who appears frustrated or overwhelmed is simply someone who doesn’t know what to do.

I’ve learned to look underneath the behavior.

What’s causing it? What’s missing? What does this dog—or this person—need in order to succeed?

That’s a much more productive question than simply asking, “What’s wrong with them?”

Ultimately, Dogs Have Taught Me a Lot About Relationships

After all these years, I think the biggest lesson is pretty simple:

Relationships are built on communication, trust, consistency, and understanding.

That’s true between people and dogs, and it’s true between people.

You have to listen.

You have to pay attention.

You have to be willing to adjust.

You have to be patient.

And sometimes you have to be willing to change yourself before you can expect someone—or a dog—to change.

I’ve spent most of my life training dogs.

But when I look back, I realize that the dogs have been teaching me the entire time.

They’ve taught me patience. They’ve taught me persistence. They’ve taught me to pay attention to what isn’t being said. And they’ve taught me that when communication isn’t working, you don’t give up—you find another way to communicate.

That’s probably one of the greatest lessons thousands of dogs have given me.